The Baracklaration of Obamdependence

Sen. Barack Obama spent the week leading up to the Fourth of July changing just about every campaign position he has taken to date. As the nation prepared to celebrate its independence from tyranny, Sen. Obama was declaring his independence from another kind of oppression-the oppression of principle and intellectual honesty. Sen. Obama, therefore, may find much to agree with in the following, with apologies to Mr. Jefferson and the Founders.

FROM CHICAGO, JULY 4, 2008

The unanimous Declaration of the democratic candidate for president of the united States of America

When in the Course of a presidential campaign it becomes necessary for one candidate to dissolve the political bands which have connected him with his previous positions and to assume for the electorate, the separate and equal station of general election candidate to which the Laws of Electoral Campaigning and Campaign Managers entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of average voters is unnecessary, lest that require that he should declare the causes which impel them to hold to principle.

I hold these truths to be self-evident, that all political positions are created equal, that they are endowed by their Holder with certain unalienable Principles, that among these are Votes, Control and the pursuit of Power. — That to secure said principles, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the will of the governors, — That whenever any Political Opponent becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the Candidate to alter or to abolish his positions, and to institute new Policies, laying their foundation on such principles and organizing them in such form, as to him shall seem most likely to effect his Image and Election. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Principles long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to be fooled, while fools are sufferable than to bother themselves by taking account of the positions to which they have been accustomed. But when a long train of mistakes and untenable positions, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to prevent his election, it is his right, it is his duty, to throw off such Policies, and to provide new Beliefs for his electoral security. — Such has been the patient sufferance of my Campaign; and such is now the necessity which constrains me to alter my former Systems of Belief. The history of the present Campaign is a history of repeated missteps and misjudgments, all having in direct object the establishment of a McCain presidency over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

I have declared my intention to redefine my Assent to the War In Iraq, the most wholesome and necessary for my public image.

I have adjusted my beliefs with respect to abortion, to secure votes among the less nuanced masses of the general public concerned with such trivialities.

I have made plain my embrace of the right to bear arms, except in my home city, and except under such circumstances as to make it practical for the public to avail itself of said right.

I have announced my intent to enshrine the policy of George W. Bush to eavesdrop on those terrorists and criminals of an international character in law, so that the public might see me as its protector.

I have sought to take credit for welfare reform, which I oppose, but nonetheless support the implementation of the same in any locale in which it may gain me votes.

I have reversed my abhorrence of capital punishment and endorsed the free exercise thereof in any case as the States may see fit, such that I may properly claim to be a man of the people in all matters of life and death, except in such cases as abortion, which I both oppose and support conditional on that issue's ability to win me favor in the press.

I have established a new precedent of funding my campaign from private donations and tributes, so as not to allocate such public monies as may be necessary to gain high office for myself and my associates.

I have steadfastly avoided any opportunity to present myself for debate with my opponent, obstructing the electorate from exposing my principles and positions, on any given day, to scrutiny.

I have affirmed my fidelity and brotherhood with innumerable campaign associates and employees, who being solely concerned with my election, have made inartful statements or been proved to have been in inconvenient connections, and have disowned same as the time and occasion required.

I, therefore, the Democratic candidate for president of the united States of America, in Chicago and Denver, Affirmed, appealing to the general election voter for the rectitude of my intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the Rules and Bylaws Committee of the Democratic Party, solemnly publish and declare, That this Campaign is, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent, that the candidate is Absolved from all Allegiance to Principle, and that all political connection between him and any previously stated Position, on any issue as he may see fit, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as a Free and Independent Campaign, shall have full Power to Vacillate, Equivocate, Prevaricate, establish New Principles, and to do all other Acts and Things which Politicians may of right do. — And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of the Mainstream Press, I pledge to each voter my Lies, your Fortunes, and my sacred Office.

Barack Obama, Illinois